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By Dr David Delvin
One
of the most recent changes of recent times has been this: large
numbers of women who are in their retirement or pre-retirement years
have decided that they are entitled to an active and fulfilling sex
life.
I've
noticed this change in my own consulting room - and it's been quite
dramatic! Back in the 1970's and 1980's, it was very rare for
a woman aged 50-plus to come in and ask my advice about her love life.
But during the 1990s, more and more ladies started turning up in the
surgery to ask, for advice about love-making techniques - and about sexual
problems.
Why
has this change taken place? There are several; reasons:
*
Women are living
much longer lives
*
They are staying healthier
much longer
*
A lot of them are
using Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)
*
Society has changed
its view about the mature woman; people see Joan Collins looking
great and having a wonderful time, and they think 'Why
shouldn't I do the same?'
*
Their male partners
are healthier and fitter than they used to be - so lots of
them are sexually active (often with the aid of Viagra and other new
drugs)
*
Because they
have (alas!) been so many divorces, many more people of retirement
age are 'on the market.'
*
Some mature
ladies have even decided to follow Joan Collins' example all the way
- and get themselves a toyboy!
However,
the fact is that all this increase in sexual activity among the over
50s has led to certain problems for some ladies.
Why? For these
reasons:-
ù
When you are 50+, your
output of female hormones isn’t as great as it once was – this
can lead to discomfort down below;
ù
If you start a new
relationship when you haven’t made love for some years, your
delicate tissues are ‘out of practice’, so they may well get
sore; and
ù
Anxiety about starting
a new relationship can lead to tension of the pelvic muscles and to
difficulty in relaxing.
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So
what sort of difficulties can affect the love life of the over 50s?
Here is a brief rundown:-
This
is a subject that we don’t like to talk about in this country!
That is a great pity, because this is a very common problem.
Indeed, most women over 50 have some degree of dryness down
below though many of them don’t notice it.
But in others, the lack of lubrication is a real problem and
causes pain during intercourse for both partners.
Love play may also be very uncomfortable.
If
you are having this problem, you need to go to a GP or a
gynaecologist for an examination, mainly to make sure that there is
no underlying physical problem.
From experience, I’d say that you might find it better to
consult a female doctor than a male one.
The doctor may possibly prescribe hormone therapy, that is
HRT. Unfortunately there are now some worries about the long-term
effects of Hormone Replacement Therapy so you’ll need to ask her
about these.
Very
often, the hormones are given not as tablets but as vaginal cream or
pessary. These internal
applications work remarkably quickly in returning everything in the
vagina to normal and giving you much more lubrication.
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However, very often a
simple answer is just to buy a purpose designed Lubricant and use it
copiously. In Britain, people are rather embarrassed about the idea of
buying lubricants, but the fact is that these products have helped
hundreds of thousands of women to enjoy a happy sex life.
In Britain, the best known one is K-Y Jelly, which pretty
well every chemist’s shop has on open display.
But there are newer and rather more sensuous ones.
They include:-
ù
Senselle;
ù
Replens;
ù
Wet;
ù
Eros
If
you are embarrassed about going into a shop and buying a lubricant,
then why not just contact one of the new ‘women only’ boutiques
and get them to send you one of the above products by post.
One of the best such establishments is Tickled
located
in Brighton – telephone number 01273 628725, one of their
exclusively female staff will be pleased to send you whatever you
require.
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This
is quite a common condition in which the vaginal muscles ‘tighten
up’ whenever the woman tries to have sex.
This makes penetration painful or impossible. It is a very
distressing disorder and the sooner it is cured, the better.
Fortunately, it can be cured these days.
Vaginismus
happens for a variety of reasons.
But in the retirement age group, it often occurs because the
poor woman has had a traumatic or painful sexual experience at some
time in the past. However,
some people actually grow up with Vaginismus and suffer from it all
their adult lives. They too can be cured.
If
you are suffering from this upsetting condition, best thing to do is
to make an appointment to see a specially trained woman doctor at
the Family Planning Clinic. A
lot of these female F.P. doctors have undertaken courses in curing
Vaginismus, which they mainly do by teaching you how to relax the
vaginal muscles completely.
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Lack of libido that is lack
of interest in sex is very common indeed.
Of course, some women, like some men, just are not highly
sexed - that is the way they are.
But others are pretty highly sexed, even in their retirement
years, yet something is ‘blocking’ their feelings, and
preventing them from enjoying themselves.
Most of the time, it is something emotional like stress,
anxiety or sheer mental fatigue.
If you are having
problems in this area, the best move is to go and see a doctor or
therapist who specialises in dealing with libido problems.
Your GP may know of such a specialist.
But if not a good idea is to contact Relate, whose number is
in your phone book. They
have a lot of specially trained therapists and their charges are
very modest. If you
live North of the border, then instead of Relate, you should contact
that excellent organisation called Couple Counselling Scotland.
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DIFFICULTIES
WITH ORGASM
Many women in the 50+ age
group have some difficulties with reaching orgasm.
But surprisingly enough lots of others find that they are at
their most orgasmic at this time of their lives.
Fortunately, there are
simple ways of learning to reach orgasm which usually work, provided
that the woman has no severe ‘hang ups’.
If you go to a Family Planning Clinic doctor or a therapist
at Relate (or at Couple Counselling Scotland) therapist, or a sex
medicine specialist, she will help you explore any anxieties you may
have and then show you (and if you wish your partner) some ways of
ensuring you reach a climax.
These methods may involve
watching videos on how to achieve orgasm, or the use of vibrators
and other ‘sex aid’ devices.
Although a lot of people are initially a bit dubious about
employing these things, the fact is that for tens of thousands of
women, they have worked! No
wonder UK sales have reached over 10,000 a month!
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PAIN AT ORGASM
A problem, which often
arises at the time of the menopause, or during the years after it,
is this:- The woman reaches the point of orgasm and then suddenly gets
a most unpleasant pain often ‘stabbing’ somewhere deep inside
her. It usually goes
away after a few minutes but as you can imagine, it is not a very
nice experience.
Unfortunately
doctors still aren’t sure what causes it, but personally I believe
that it is connected with the drop in female hormone output, which
occurs from about age 50 onwards. So I usually prescribe female hormones, and these often seem
to have a good effect in lessening or abolishing the pain.
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INCONTINENCE
AT ORGASM
Many women are deeply
embarrassed by the fact that when they climax, they ‘soak the
bed’. This phenomenon
is commoner in more mature ladies.
There is a lot of controversy about why this happens.
Some doctors say that the fluid is urine.
Others maintain that it is a special secretion from the area
of the famous ‘female G-spot’.
If you experience this
female ejaculation, then you should have a brief gynaecological
check up from a doctor to make sure that the muscles which support
your bladder haven’t become slack so that urine is escaping (that
is common in women who have had children).
If it transpires that
there is nothing wrong with your muscles, then the likelihood is
that you are simply one of the small group of women who, like men,
do ejaculate at orgasm. There
is nothing that can be done to stop this.
In practice, a surprising number of women who ejaculate are
quite proud of their ability. Very often, their partners are pleased about it too.
But these couples do have to take care to make love on a
towel, for obvious reasons.
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VULVODYNIA
You have probably never
heard of this condition, but it is very upsetting for women who
suffer from it. The
chief symptom is severe pain, which occurs in the vulva (that is,
the opening of the vagina) whenever it is touched. The cause is not known, but could be a virus.
If you think you have got this condition, best thing is to
see a specialist at Genito-Urinary (GUM) Clinic.
They are the experts in assessing it, providing pain relief
and helping you to overcome it.
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SUMMING UP
Sex problems are common in
the retirement age group. But
virtually all of them can be defeated, if you can find the right
kind of professional help – you too can have a happy rewarding sex
life. So
don’t suffer in silence!
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Questions on Women’s sex
problems
Q
I’m female, age
62 and divorced. I have
another year to go before retirement and I work awfully hard.
I have a new male friend and he is very nice.
But in the last few months, I seem to have lost interest in
sex. Could it be due to
fatigue?
A
Absolutely –
women who work extremely hard are very prone to lose interest in sex
because they are simply tired out!
I think you should see your doctor for a check-up and maybe a
blood test. But
basically, it sounds as though what you need is a complete rest.
Is there any chance that you and your partner could go away
for a really good peaceful holiday together?
Q
I have been quite
depressed recently as a result of family troubles.
Also I have noticed that when my husband and I have sex, I
not reaching orgasm any more. Could
this be an effect of the depression?
A
It certainly
could! Depression is
notorious for preventing women from reaching ‘the big O’.
Also please be aware that the drugs which are used to treat
depression (the ‘anti-depressants’) do themselves very often
interfere with the process of orgasm.
So if you are on anti-depressants, it might be a good idea to
ask your GP to change you to another one.
Hope that does the trick.
Q
In the last couple of months, I have noticed that every time
I have sex with my husband, I bleed.
Does this matter?
A
Yes it does – I
do wish that every woman in Britain knew that bleeding after sex
should never be ignored! It
can be just due to trivial things like a small accidental cut in the
vagina. But repeated
bleeding can be a warning of cancer, particularly in the over 50s.
So please, see your doctor right away.
She may well want you to see a gynaecologist as soon as
possible.
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Q
As a man, I do not pretend to understand
women’s problems. But
recently my wife has been extraordinarily moody and 'out of
sorts'. Could it be the menopause? She is 59.
A
Very few women
have the menopause as late as 59. In
this country the average is about 49 to 50.
It sounds as though your wife does have some problem either
physical or emotional. So I think you should talk to her about it and try and
persuade her to come along with you to your doctors to have a chat
about what is wrong.
Q
I am a man of 67 and the other day I had an odd attack in which I
couldn't speak or think straight for about 10 minutes. I seem
to be all right now. But should I trouble my GP about it?
A
You definitely
should go and see him. Sounds
as though you may have had a ‘Transient Ischaemic Attack (often
referred to as a ‘TIA’), which is a sort of ‘mini-stroke’.
Please do not delay.
Q
I am a chap who
has never bothered to eat regular meals. It has never done me any
harm, but my tummy is playing up.
In particular, I get a pain in the top of it, which wakes me
at night.
A
This is strongly
suggestive of a duodenal ulcer.
They are particular common in people who don’t get regular
meals. Please see if
your GP agrees with my diagnosis.
Q
I am a widower and I have decided it is time to look out for
female companionship again. But
I feel that baldness is spoiling my chances.
Is it true that there are now some drugs that will genuinely
make one's hair re-grow?
A
There are only two
drugs that can genuinely make hair re-grow and only in some cases, I
am afraid.
The first one is called Regaine.
It has been ‘off-prescription’ for some time, which means
you can buy it in a chemist without having to see a doctor first.
It is fairly expensive at about £20.00 per month.
You need to apply it to your scalp a couple of times per day,
every day.
The other drug is called Propecia.
It is newer and you do have to get a doctor to prescribe it
for you. This is mainly
because it can have quite a lot of side effects such as impotence
and enlargement of the male breasts.
Your own GP can give you further details.
Propecia comes in tablet form and I am afraid that you
can’t get it on the NHS – sorry!
By the way baldness does not make you unattractive to most
women!
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